Charlie: Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for
doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about
my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach... and sometimes in the
middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big
pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.
Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?
Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch
Charlie [to Alan]: Look at you all grown up and back living with mom.
How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one
to...two?
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.
Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog.
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